


I Couldn't Kill Ana

by way_too_many_fandoms



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Angst, Character's Name Spelled as Viktor, Comfort, Eating Disorders, Emotional Hurt, M/M, Purging, Restricting, binge eating
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-08
Updated: 2021-02-08
Packaged: 2021-03-13 17:00:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,803
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29281854
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/way_too_many_fandoms/pseuds/way_too_many_fandoms
Summary: Yuri always struggled with eating, anyone who met him knew that. It got worse and worse as the Grand Prix Finals got closer. He didn't know how far he was going to go.Title from Oh Ana by Mother Mother
Relationships: Katsuki Yuuri/Victor Nikiforov
Comments: 2
Kudos: 26





	I Couldn't Kill Ana

**Author's Note:**

> TW: Eating Disorders, Binging, Purging  
> Please do not read if its going to trigger you 
> 
> this is 50% a character study 50% a vent fic 
> 
> based on things I've seen in the show, other fics, and personal experiences so if anything is offensive please tell me so I can fix it

It wasn’t anything new, it just evolved. 

Back when Yuri was in Detroit, after his crippling loss, his eating had gotten worse. A lot worse. He binged constantly, if he was sad he binged, angry he binged, bored he binged. It was a cycle that he couldn’t seem to get out of. After a while though, when the weight started to pile on, he tried to stop. 

Yuri really did try, but it just seemed as though he couldn’t. That’s when he discovered purging. He could binge as much as he wanted if he threw it all up. That way there weren’t any real calories. He still ate some, he knew that he couldn’t exactly purge everything because then he wouldn’t be able to skate at all, he wasn’t stupid. That’s what he told himself. 

So that started another cycle, of binging and purging. Yuri didn’t think that anyone knew about it, if anyone found out he wouldn’t be able to handle himself. He was careful when he was in Detroit, rooming with Phichit meant that he had to put on a brave face in front of his friend and never let him know what was actually going on. 

Then he moved back home, a place he hadn’t been in five years. Vicchan was gone and he binged more than he ever had before. Sometimes he wouldn’t purge at all, couldn’t bring himself to walk his way to the bathroom and turn on the shower to drain out the noise, those days were the worst.

He tried to skate as much as he could seeing as that was one of the only things that brought joy anymore. For someone that was surrounded by his family, he had never felt more alone. He hid away in his room whenever he wasn’t practicing. Yuri didn’t even know why he kept practicing, it seemed like such a waste. He wasn’t even sure if he was going to compete again, ever again. The Russian Yuri was right, he should just retire already and find something else to do with his life. 

Then the video of him skating Viktor’s routine was posted and that caused another spiral of events, leading to Viktor deciding to coach him. Yuri never would have expected that to happen in a million years. As long as he remembered Viktor was like an untouchable god that was way out of his league, but here the man was, in his home, wanting to coach him. Yuri inspired Viktor, Viktor Nikiforov the most well-known and well-decorated skater was inspired by him, someone who had completely failed as a figure skater. 

But Yuri didn’t want to disappoint his idol so he worked his ass off to please the man, he would run miles, do as much cardio as he needed, anything to get back on the ice. That was when the restriction started. 

At first, it hadn’t been as bad as many would have expected. He cut binges completely and anytime he would have he was on the ice. He couldn’t eat if he was practicing. That mindset set Yuri on a dangerous path. 

Some days he would skip breakfast in exchange for a morning jog, lunch was spent going over his short program, dinner was something that he was too tired for and he would fall asleep early. It wasn’t like he was thinking about it at first, his only thoughts were that he had to make Viktor proud, he just practiced as much as he could in order to do that. 

But restriction also meant that he wanted to binge more than ever, and one day he finally broke. He headed down to a local convenience store that he didn’t go to all that often, it wasn’t like Yuri really wanted to be recognized. He even went as far as wearing a face mask just so it would be harder to make out who he was. He returned home with everything that he could ever want, all things that he hadn’t eaten in weeks. 

Yuri’s bed was covered in wrappers by the end of the night and a pit was in his stomach. He had locked the door just in case Viktor tried to come in and he didn’t feel like getting up to go to the bathroom, so he didn’t. He sat there, cried some over what a terrible thing he had just done. ‘I had been doing so well’ he thought to himself, he made a promise. Yuri would restrict heavily during the week, practice as much as he possibly could, then Saturday he could binge. It was one day, one day where he could let his emotions overtake him. 

Yuri continued with this until competitions started, he was vigilant about never letting Viktor see him when he was down. He also worked twice as hard, it wasn’t just about making his coach proud anymore, it was also about making sure that his binges didn’t make him gain any weight. 

Anybody else would have said there was no way he could possibly gain weight with all the restriction and exercising he did, but Yuri wouldn’t believe them. He had to be in top shape for when competition season came around, that was what Viktor had said anyway. He couldn’t let the man down, no matter what. 

When competitions did roll around, he stopped binging completely, there was just never anytime anymore. Group that with the fact that he was rooming with Viktor, he couldn’t risk it. That didn’t mean that the restriction stopped though, that still continued. 

Yuri and Viktor made their way from competition to competition, Yuri getting more and more anxious about the Grand Prix Finals and whether or not he would make it. His boyfriend was sure that he would, but Yuri wasn’t. He still flubbed some jumps and his footwork felt as though it was getting sloppy. Deep down Yuri knew why; he was tired all the time and even short practices felt like they destroyed his body. He did a good job at hiding it though, Viktor never asked a single question, that was all the confirmation that Yuri needed.

Finally, by some godsend, Yuri made it to the finals. He was going to get on that podium, holding a gold medal, showcasing his and Viktor’s love for all the world to see. 

It was a morning practice when it happened, not many skaters were at the rink yet and Yuri wanted to practice his quad flip so that he was able to land it perfectly for the finals. He was tired, he hadn’t been able to get much sleep recently because of how nervous he was for the finals and he knew that his restriction was going too far, way too far for competition season, but he couldn’t stop. From all the numbers he had in his head to see if he could win, each competitor glaring down at him, then there was his new relationship, food was the one thing that he could control. 

Yuri’s head felt a little dizzy, he tried to brush it off as nothing. He tried skating into the jump before his skates could even leave the ice though he was down. Black spots were dancing across his vision, he was used to not being able to see the best while skating since he didn’t wear his glasses but this was an all-time new experience. His legs grew weak and he collapsed onto the hard ice. 

Yuri’s heart felt like it was beating out of his chest, there were a lot of labored breaths, he heard muffled sounds of someone coming towards him. He was dragged off the ice, though he didn’t know by who, and was promptly seated. 

“Yuri! What’s wrong, what happened, are you alright?” His head felt like it was splitting apart, hunger pains he normally was able to avoid felt like they were tearing through his insides. 

He was so tired, he leaned his head forward, against Viktor who was kneeling in front of him. “‘M tired,” talking felt too hard to do, he wasn’t even sure if what he said was English or not. 

There was a sigh, “We’re heading back to the hotel.” There wasn’t any question to it. Actually getting to the hotel was an entirely new challenge, Yuri was on the verge of passing out each step that he took, and for the majority of the walk back he was being almost carried by his boyfriend. 

When they got back Yuri immediately passed out, falling asleep as soon as his body touched the bed. Viktor wasn’t very happy about that, he wanted to know what was up with the other man, but sleep was something that Yuri needed right now so he would let it go. 

As soon as Yuri awoke though he was getting a talking to, “Why didn’t you tell me you weren’t feeling well, we could have taken the day off.” 

Yuri looked down at his hands, not wanting to see the disappointed look on his boyfriend’s face, “I was fine alright, maybe I was a little tired but it was fine.” 

Viktor exploded, “You collapsed on the ice! Something is wrong,” he grabbed onto Yuri’s bony hands, “and I want to know what it is so I can help fix it.”

Yuri pulled himself away, “Nothing needs to be fixed because nothing is wrong.” He tried to walk away but was pulled back by his sleeve.

Viktor looked up at him with tears in his eyes, “Please tell me what’s wrong.” 

“You wouldn’t understand.”

“Then help me understand.” 

Yuri sat back down on the bed, with as low as his energy was walking away wasn’t going to be something that he could actually do. “You know how I don’t have the best relationship with food.” He heard Viktor’s breath intake, probably realizing what was about to be said. “I guess it started again, I didn’t mean to. It was just so much easier and then with the finals and all of that I wanted something that I could control. Food was the only thing I thought I could.” Yuri didn’t know when he started to cry, he didn’t even know that he was able to still cry until now. “I didn’t want to let you down Viktor!” 

Arms wrapped around his shoulders, pulling him close and never letting go, “You could never let me down Yuri,” He was so soft-spoken, words filled with so much love and adoration. “I’m sorry that I didn’t realize sooner, I’m going to help you okay. You have done so much to be proud of, don’t let anyone tell you any different. You can get through this and I’ll be with you every step of the way.”

That was all Yuri ever wanted to hear.

**Author's Note:**

> This was written at 11 at night and I had the idea to write this yesterday, so I wrote it down in my notes and then went to bed. I recently rewatched YOI as I was working on a painting and began noticing that there are a lot of things that point to yuri having a eating disorder, at least disordered eating. I still hoped you guys enjoyed the fic even though it was mostly hurt and barely any comfort.


End file.
